How I have "Survived"

First, I want to thank everyone that has not only taken the time out of their day to read my/Ian’s story, but also for messaging me, reaching out, thanking me and encouraging me to do this.

This obviously wasn’t easy to do, however, after losing Ian I had a lot of women either in my family or friends tell me their experiences with loss/ miscarriages/ preterm labor and I thought to myself why is this not talked about.. why did I have no idea these ladies so near and dear to me went through this as well? I knew I wanted to tell my story, I wanted to help other women. I wanted this (baby loss- loss in general) to be easier to talk about. Its not an easy path to go down but its easier if you know you’re not alone. It can consume you, it can make you angry, sad, depressed, it can get the best of you and--- it will. But I have not allowed this to define me.

Dealing with loss/ grieving is FUCKING hard (yeah I cussed, sorry) it’s a never-ending journey. You think you’ll never get better. You’re drowning and you think no one understands. You feel guilty for even a slight amount of joy, for smiling, for laughing, for being happy again. It’s the smallest things that take you back and you’re at square one again. My arms will always be empty but my heart is full. My heart knows Ian will always be with me, he’ll always be a part of me. I’ll never let him be forgotten. I dedicate my life to my son. This is why I chose to do this—to have this blog to be able to let out what I feel and let other women/men know that grieving is hard but you’ll survive.

Boyfriend. To Diego: my biggest blessing, my other half, my rib/rock. He gave me my son and for that I am forever grateful. When we first found out I was pregnant (January 14, 2018) it was a week before my 24th birthday and we were going to spend a week in New York. During that trip Diego took care of me as my pregnant self stopped after every staircase (it was A LOT of stops) he took care of me when the horrendous smells of New York became overwhelming, he helped me yank my 100 layers of clothing off (cali girl + new york winter don’t mix) while having an anxiety attack and feeling suffocated, he let me pick every meal we had, and this didn't end in ny.. He was by my side, allowing me to nap, rubbed my feet and belly, told me not to scratch bc stretch marks (he's so cute) and he even made me feel beautiful as my belly got bigger. Since day one he has been there for me. From NY anxiety to the doctor legit scraping my stomach and Diego watching as all the rest of my pregnancy came oozing out of me after labor (sorry for the visuals) He is my angel on Earth, he’s the definition of a gentleman, he motivates me to be the best possible version of myself and he deals with my random bursts of sadness and breakdowns when I miss Ian. He grieves differently (that’ll be a whole blog post on its own) but he’s had a big impact as to how I have gotten this far. So babe if you’re reading this (you better be) THANK YOU.

Family. From the day I found out about Ian to the day he was born my family has been so supportive. From the excitement when they found out about my pregnancy to the immense love and support when he passed. I wouldn’t be able to do this without my family. MY PARENTS. My amazing parents! They renovated our entire house for Ian— AC system, new paint and an add on.. just for my boy. I am beyond thankful for the love they have for their grandson and for Diego and I. I didn’t get kicked out or yelled at, instead I instantly got support and love. I know it was disappointing at first but from day one my parents have helped, guided me and loved me unconditionally. I know I'm not the only one grieving for Ian, I know my parents/ family miss him too and it helps to know I am not alone.

Friends. Let me just say I have the best group of friends ever, and Diego's friends as well; who have all become family. THANK YOU to each and every one of you. Diego and I have not felt alone once on this journey. This section is not only dedicated to my friends but to the ones who were once strangers/ acquaintances and became friends. To the ones who reached out even though it had been years, for the kind words and encouragement, for making me feel supported and so loved. Even if we didn’t talk prior. Thank you! To my best friends, for loving Ian and Diego as well.

Other things that have also helped me:

I have a personalized journal I got on etsy that says “Dear Ian Max” and I write to Ian whenever I feel down or just simply want to talk to him. Which is a big factor as to why I started blogging.

Ian also has a memory box that we were given at the hospital. It has pictures of him, a blanket, all the cards we were given, our hospital bracelets, my pregnancy test, and other things we have added along the way. We will continue to add as the years go by.

I have jewelry I was gifted with Ian's name on it, I have a build a bear with his heart beat inside and lastly, I have his name tattooed on my left arm. He is forever with me.