It was Sunday afternoon (april 22, 2018), my parents had just gotten back from Coachella (they're young at heart) and Diego had just gotten back from a work show in Vegas. If you know me, you know its rare that i crave In-n-Out, well that Sunday i was craving it so Diego and I sat down to eat. Being pregnant, I was so excited to dig into my burger when all of a sudden i got a huge pain (i would later find out it was actually contractions) in my stomach. When you're pregnant you know that pain is not a good sign. So i got up and i decided to lay on the couch, I kept thinking maybe i just need to rest. So, i did just that. I fell asleep for a while and when i woke up i felt a bit better but the pain instantly came back, it was a piercing stab feeling. So i went to bed that night praying that Ian was okay. The next morning (Monday) i called my OB and told her what was going on and how i was still in pain, she told me to come in right away. I sat in the patient room relieved when she told me that it was just growing pains, she said this was normal in pregnancy since i was a day away from being 21 weeks. So i went home. I don't remember much about the rest of that day, but i do remember the waking up Tuesday morning thinking "theres no way i can go to work today". So i didn't. I ended up calling my OB again since the pain had not gone away, this time she asked me when my next ultrasound was and i told her it was that night at 6:30, so she said okay after that i will see you. However, i didn't know i wouldn't be making it to that appointment and my heart aches and wishes i would of gone days prior. i spent the entire day in bed (it was Tuesday april 24) i kept holding my stomach as the pain got worse. I kept thinking, if i tell my parents and Diego the pain i'm in that'll mean something is officially wrong. until right around 4:40 when i couldn't take it anymore and i started crying because i knew in my heart something was wrong. thats when my mom came in and saw me crying and was like why haven't you said anything?!.. i just didn't want it to be real.. I told Diego to leave work right at 5 because i needed to go to the ER. so we got to the ER around 5:15. They wheeled me into the second floor for pregnancy and delivery, they asked me a bunch of questions as the pain kept getting worse as soon as the nurse came in and checked me out she said "i'm going to get the doctor" aka something is wrong. as soon as the doctor took a look at me he said a bunch of doctor phrases and then it hit me, I was in labor at 21 weeks. he told me my cervix had opened up allowing contact with the vaginal canal and the membranes were protruding causing bacteria to come into the sac and placenta and at that point all the liquid that Ian needed to survive was slowly coming out. He told me Ian would not survive and it was too late to stop what was going on. I was on the verge of infection. I had two options: expedite my labor or let my body's take it course. I cried out bloody murder.. i knew at that moment there was no way i would leave this hospital with my son. it was the hardest and most painful moments of my life.-I knew typing this out would be hard but i feel like i'm reliving this.. -i had to get an epidural because the contractions were getting to be too much, after that i got a catheter put in and it wasn't long before i told the nurse i was going to yank the catheter out.. (i was a big baby but could you blame me?) i was in discomfort but that shouldn't be the case because of the epidural i was in the middle of talking to the nurse and the OB when my water broke, i felt like i peed a river and i instantly started to cry because any hope i was holding onto just ended, the nurse checked and sure enough, Ian was getting into position to come out, in that moment I knew.. i was officially losing our son.--looking back, people on that floor must of thought i was being murdered at how much i screamed, I just yelled NO NO NO please! NO. and tears kept coming out as i got wheeled to the delivery room. i remember looking up and seeing my mom and Diego looking away because they couldn't bare to see me. as soon as they moved me beds, he was out in two pushes, our Ian Max was born on April 24, 2018 at 11:40 pm. the doctor that delivered Ian was so insensitive, he made comments about me being young and being able to have more children, and when i was crying my eyes out he kept saying "it's okay YOU ARE okay" but how can i be okay when i just lost my son?? i remember when my OB came in she felt so guilty, she said she didn't think this is what was going on and she was sure i was okay. although i was angry and hurt, i felt a sense of peace when she told me the cause of going into preterm labor; i had an incompetent cervix, This occurs when weak cervical tissue causes or contributes to premature birth or the loss of an otherwise healthy pregnancy. Before pregnancy, your cervix — the lower part of the uterus that opens to the vagina — is normally closed and firm. she looked at my placenta and it was covered in bacteria, I was on the verge of an infection that could eventually kill me so my body chose me over my pregnancy. i knew this had happened for a reason, i knew God needed Ian, and it was not my time to go. i was angry at God and it took me a long time to attend church again, because how could i attend when he took my son from me.. but I've come a long way and now i know why this had to happen to me. some women lose their babies and never get a cause, i at least got an answer.
its been a year since Ian was born and i still have flashbacks, i still relive this, i'm reminded daily he isn't here. i should have an 8 month old right now, but instead i have a guardian angel.
This is my story, this is my reality. There are probably things i forgot to add or little tangents i went on but this is my first time typing out what happened that day.
This was hard but much needed, i hope to help any other angel momma's to cope with their grieving process. Its been a very hard journey for me but everyday i am trying, i write to Ian in his personalized journal, i try to talk about him to others, not to get pity but to keep his memory alive and thats what i hope to do with this blog.
I hope you've come this far and if you have THANK YOU. this probably wasn't easy to read but this is my life. Ian is so loved and so missed everyday. Don't be afraid to bring him up to me, i actually enjoy when others bring him up because i don't ever want him to be forgotten.
